With divorce rates in most developed countries up near the fifty percent rate it is not surprising that a lot of people find themselves partnering someone who carries emotional baggage. According to Jennifer Baker of the Forest Institute of Professional Psychology in Springfield Missouri the divorce rate in America for first marriages is fifty percent and second marriages around sixty seven percent. Thus the chances of partnering someone with emotional baggage are relatively high.
It should be remembered though that baggage can be managed. If it is excessive it might need more drastic measure to address the problem.
What is Manageable Baggage ?
Ideally the baggage carried should not exceed a small handbag. Anything larger can create problems in any new relationship, particularly if it is meant to be long term. According to Dr Irene S. Levine Ph.D, the focus in any relationship should never be exclusively on ones own problems.
What Is Emotional Baggage ?
Emotional baggage is all the unnecessary and unhelpful memories people carry into a new relationship.
It includes fears held, reasonably or unreasonably, that something bad is going to happen when it never has before.
It can be the continuous communications with the ex spouse.
It can be a recounting of bad experiences and using that as an excuse not do an activity or visit a particular place.
It can even include reacting to something someone said because that is how the ex spouse would have reacted, despite the reality being something different.
Why is Emotional Baggage Damaging ?
A lot of emotional baggage can be a real burden in new relationships, just like it can be when traveling. A new partner, wife/husband, or girlfriend/boyfriend does not want to hear about all the bad things that have gone on in a previous relationship. This takes away the focus of the new relationship and them as an individual.
How to Minimize Excess Emotional Baggage
A close examination of what is being carried around is a good starting point. Baggage needs to be identified before it can be sorted and disposed off.
Is it all necessary and if the answer is no then some of it should just be thrown overboard, metaphorically speaking. This can be achieved in a number of ways including:
- Every time the negative thought threatens to enter it should be replace with a happy memory from the current relationship.
- If possible the trigger for the negative thought should be identified and avoided if possible.
- The new partner should be treated with respect and listened to.
Moving Forward
Reducing the number of bags will assist any relationship, in that it takes the focus off the past and redirects it to the here and now.
Obviously some sympathy has to be extended to the person doing the unloading during the process, however, care should be taken it does not drag on for too long.
At the end of the day baggage should not slow down or be harmful to the new relationship and new partner.
Tanya Klein - I have been writing now for a number of years. One of my biggest achievements has been getting published in Germany - I wrote a chapter ...
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