Parenting teenage children in intact families can be trying. But children and teenagers of divorced families have experienced the upset of having people they trust let them down. They may not be keen to embrace a step parent the way one of their parents expects them to.
Problems in blended families can be multiple ones, from the teenager ignoring the step parent to being rude to them. It is worse if offensive language is used toward the step parent if the teenager believes it is what the other parent would want. According to family law barrister Mr Gerard Thistleton of Goldfields Chambers, there is a common theme of teenagers being rude or offensive to a step parent in family law proceedings. The solution, in his experience, is not to engage with the teenager. It is best to quash rudeness and offensive language by not giving the behavior oxygen. This can mean the topic of conversation is changed, or the teenager is simply told, "If nothing nice can be said than nothing should be said at all."
Tips for Dealing with the Rebellious Teenager
- Parent and step parent need to make sure a common parenting approach is agreed to. Leading by example is the best way to teach children and teenagers. Both parent and step parent should try and treat each other and the teenager courteously and with respect at all times.
- Clear boundaries and rules should be set for the teenager in the household with the step parent and ensures the teenager is aware of what type of behavior is tolerated. At the same time, praise should be offered when it is warranted. It can be easier to focus on negative behavior and forget to reward positive behavior.
- Boundaries and rules will need to be enforced without alienating the teenager.
Step parents need to remember that the teenager may say or do something that is designed to be either hurtful or destructive. He may attempt to undermine the relationship with the parent. Parents should not to react to the behavior. This sounds easier in theory than it is in practice, but is a skill that can be mastered.
Why is the Teenager Acting Out?
- The behavior of the teenager may be attention seeking.
- There may underlying issues of self worth and confidence.
- The behavior may be a combination of attention seeking and lack of confidence.
- The behavior may simply be within the bounds of being a teenager and acting out at the world.
It should be remembered that often the offensive behavior may be exhibited because teenagers do not have the maturity to express themselves properly, or the life experience to appreciate the change in their family. Often children and teenagers blame themselves for the breakdown of their parents' relationship and find it difficult to let go of that guilt. A step parent can be seen as a threat to the other parent and one way for the teenager to deal with this is by acting negatively toward the step parent.
According to Wendy Gant, author of "13-19- a Parent's Guide to the Teenage Years", there are a wide range of issues likely to confront parents of teenage children and her book offers some practical tips on dealing with these issues.
The best way forward, in families with teenage step children, may be to be prepared for the problem and have a solution mapped out to minimize reacting impulsively to hurtful behavior by the teenager, thus minimizing acting out of impulse.
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